How Do We Escape the Conflict Cycle?
The nature of our current discourse around every conceivable issue seems to be at an all-time low. Our ability to “agree to disagree” has all but vanished, and escalating divisions now affect our friendships, our families, and even our mental health.
Why is this happening? Because powerful interests are using sophisticated techniques to gain wealth and influence by telling us to be furious with each other.
We are at a critical juncture, and unless each of us is willing to look in the mirror and ask ourselves what value most, we – and everyone we know - will continue down a very damaging path. How do we break the cycle? By using a tool crisis communicators regularly employ to bridge divisions: Empathy.
A political consultant explained the cost-efficiency of negative campaigning to me many years ago. “Negative ads sway voter opinion at a rate of as much as 7x that of positive ads. We don’t like it, but we want to win.” In the social media era, this vulnerability in human psychology is exploited by thousands of influencers who have financial incentive to push out the most inflammatory content possible – facts be damned - because it gets them the most followers and brings them the greatest ad revenue. The manipulation which used to be an insider’s game for electioneers is now coming at us 24 hours a day through our social media accounts, and doing immeasurable harm to every facet of our social discourse. (I’ll save the issue of foreign interference for another time.)
If we are waiting for the grown-ups to step in and tell us to knock it off, we are waiting in vain. Few leaders remain who have the backbone to stand up against the divisive rhetoric pulling their respective parties to extremes, and even when they do, algorithms ensure we won’t see it anyway because, goshdarnit, it’s just so much more fun to watch screaming fools accuse each other of destroying western civilization.
This is well-trod territory; angry people vote more and pile more money into the coffers of special interests, especially when they are told why they should be angry and who they should blame. But in the social media era we are letting this old paradigm damage relationships with those we care about in new ways.
Do you have at least one crazy friend or relative with whom you’ve always avoided discussing politics? The right-wing uncle who is painful to listen to, the life-long buddy who is undeniably half nuts, or the cousin who you know is poised to give you a speech on Thanksgiving if she says pass the broccoli and you accidentally hand over the mashed potatoes? You’ve always known what subjects to avoid, and did so because family and friendships were much more important. Maybe you showed them a little extra patience because you know the real cause of their frustration. Maybe life didn’t turn out how they expected. Maybe they have truly struggled, and maybe you have too. You still loved them, and that was enough. You had empathy.
Have those realities changed so much?
The problem we are now faced with is that wealthy interests from both ends of the spectrum have found their way to our table. They have done so by convincing us that we are under attack by forces so powerful, so evil, and so hell-bent on destroying everything we hold dear that we must stop them at all costs. After all, who has time for empathy when the stakes are so high?
The reality is we are being manipulated. Opposing echo chambers are using distorted facts and very effective digital tools to blast their inflammatory messaging straight into the hearts and minds of agitated keyboard warriors who are so committed to the fight for truth and justice they are ready to fight to the digital death, or so they would have you believe. Studies show that the disenfranchised and disillusioned flock towards extreme perspectives because they help them make sense out of a system they feel has failed them, and because they find a sense of identity and validation in the company of the like-minded. Your uncle and your cousin, for their part, have never been able to agree, but you notice that the less they talk, the more they are able to forget about each other’s humanity. They forget about the struggles. The empathy goes away. If they can’t get through it, what hope is there for the rest of us? What can we do? We can start by asking ourselves a few questions:
Are we really all that different? The perspective of those you disagree with – however messed up it may seem – is a result of their being subjected to an entirely different version of reality. If you are willing to dismiss them out of hand by calling them “crazy” or “stupid,” or you truly believe they are trying to “destroy America,” there’s a good chance the us vs. them tribalism threatening to consume us has manipulated you into what is, essentially, a failure of empathy.
How much are we willing to sacrifice? We all have strong beliefs, and civic engagement is critical to the survival of our democracy. Everyone should be involved. But study after study has shown that one of the things we all value most is time with loved ones. If we are suddenly willing to put that at risk for the sake of expressing an opinion, it’s worth asking ourselves: who has convinced us such a sacrifice is necessary?
Are the arguments at hand really what we’re so upset about? The ongoing impacts of covid have brought many people to the breaking point, especially those who were already at the brink financially. Is hammering through another heated exchange likely to change anyone’s mind? Or can we find other ways to engage and acknowledge each other that preserve the relationships we all rely upon to get through difficult times?
It's past time for us to realize that the real enemy is not those we disagree with, but the erosion of civilized discourse.
Empathy allows us to “agree to disagree.” The moment we allow ourselves to be convinced that those we disagree with are not deserving of our empathy is the moment the echo chambers – and the powerful interests that make money as they grow – win. This would be a grave mistake. Dangerous events of recent years have shown us that the stakes are high, and all signs indicate it’s about to get worse.
What can each of us do to get ahead of it with our friends, colleagues and loves ones? Remember that we are all people trying to get by, and you may be the only thing keeping them from going full-fringe. Don’t shut them out, just change the subject. Skip the labels that do irreparable harm. Agree to disagree. Validate each other. Most importantly, remember that your most cherished relationships are much more important than the powers that seek to divide them. Let the special interests do their own work, they can afford it.
The real way to show our patriotism is not to demonize the fellow Americans we disagree with, but to preserve the social discourse our democracy has always relied upon. As we are all lucky to be here, we should expect at least this much from each other, and from ourselves.
So be patient with your uncle, call your cousin, text your buddy, and enjoy your time together.
Daniel S. Holt is the founder of Washington based Anchorage Partners LLC.
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