What to Do if Your Kid Gets Cancelled
“He said his life is over and he wants to give up.”
Overwhelmed with emotion, the voice on the other end of the phone was silent for a long time.
I was speaking with the distraught parents of a kid who had said something that should never be said. Someone recorded it and it went viral. “He thought he was being funny, but he knows better. This is not who he is.” his dad said. “He’s gotten in with the wrong group of friends and he was trying to fit in.”
Within two days he was suspended from school and kicked out of all the clubs he had been involved in.
All his friends disappeared – even those he’d had since childhood. He was relentlessly bullied; physically harassed in person and verbally attacked online. He received death threats from strangers. His biggest passion was baseball – he wanted to play in college and was hoping for a scholarship – but he was kicked off the team. He was told he had been “cancelled.” He was 15 at the time.
“Cancel culture” is a term that is new to few of us. But while it is increasingly perceived as a toxic element of the social media age, it has its roots in something not only admirable, but long past due: the ability for us regular-folk to act en-masse in calling out powerful interests.
Early examples of cancel culture were about accountability.
Social media was used, with great effect, to apply pressure to corporations whose statements in support of diversity, gender equality, environmental stewardship and a host of other issues just didn’t measure up against their practices.
A generation of socially aware consumers were telling the big dogs to change their ways, or their money would be spent elsewhere. Greed, abuse, and harassment were exposed in all manner of institutions, bringing vindication to those who had previously suffered when speaking out. Finally we had a voice, and it felt great. But before long the tone began to shift.
Fast forward a couple years, and many of us found social media to be an available (though ultimately unhelpful) outlet for our increasing stress in response to covid, inflation, racial injustice, Russia, the frightening polarization of America, and a host of other problems. But our discourse around every possible issue had quickly devolved, with hateful name-calling and disassociation putting another nail in the coffin of civil discourse with each passing day. (See my thoughts on breaking the conflict cycle here).
No one has ever been dissuaded of their ill-informed or even hateful opinions by being attacked, yet that has become our most common response. Instead of seeing disagreements as opportunities to welcome those we disagree with to the table, where they can learn that whoever or whatever they have been taught to hate isn’t so bad, we instead deny their humanity, tempers flare, and down we go.
At current, social media outrcy in response to corporate corruption, individual bad deeds, offensive statements, and even strong differences of opinion has largely shifted from amends to revenge. Though it is entirely possible to hold people accountable without destroying their lives, their destruction is often what we’re after; focusing not on education, engagement, and healing; but firings, isolation, expulsion, and abandonment.
As grown-ups and as parents, we know that kids pay very close attention to our behavior. They do as we do. When it comes to the way we conduct ourselves on social media; we are failing them.
Picure this negative paradigm applied to the social jockeying, insecurity, and frequently unkind melodramas of high school life….then add cancel culture.
As someone who has helped numerous families navigate the minefield of a child being cancelled, I can tell you that these forces have morphed into something very destructive in high schools across America.
Teens can find themselves cancelled for a number of reasons; saying something offensive, being accused of doing something harmful, or simply falling out of favor – which is often the most painful to witness. In all instances, the ensuing social media clamor spreads through their high schools and surrounding communities like wildfire.
In a matter of hours, cancelled teens are exposed to some of the cruelest and most damaging bullying of their lives.
Friends and classmates begin parroting the same vitriol they see shared by anonymous strangers; desperate to distance themselves from the current target for the sake of their own survial, and terrified the social media mob will serve them “cancel by association” next.
Alarmingly, parents are often part of the problem; feeding the rumor mill and validating, rather than correcting, the unkindness they hear from their children.
Do you remember what it felt like to be in trouble when you were a kid? The sinking feeling in your stomach as you squirmed through difficult conversations with parents, teachers, coaches, maybe even the police? The need to deal with things discreetly was generally understood, with all involved hoping you could take your medicine, make amends, and get on with your life.
Now it’s different. Cancel culture means a kid, by law still a minor, is subjected to massive public ridicule.
Their friends disappear, they get kicked off teams, are handed suspensions, and even see their admissions letters get withdrawn. They feel their entire world has fallen apart around them, and the one thing their parents are always talking about – their future – looks pretty grim.
While this behavior hides behind a veneer of accountability or social activism; it is neither. It is bullying. The many heartbreaking stories about teenagers - and even grade school students - committing suicide after being bullied online remind us that the stakes are high, and that admirable efforts to curtail such behavior too-often have little material impact on the day to day lives of students. As one cancelled and bullied high schooler said to me a while back: “I guess the anti-bullying stuff never quite makes it down to my level.”
In most cases, the incident that causes a kid to be cancelled involves something that is indisputably offensive, but that they should nonetheless be allowed - and encouraged - to learn and recover from.
Sadly, they are often not given the chance.
I have seen clubs, teams, and even schools refuse them an opportunity to say they’re sorry, as heartfelt apologies to friends go completly ignored. I’ve seen school administrators put out blustery press releases and then vanish completely, letting teachable moments about how we treat one another through our challenges and despite our differences just slip away.
Of course, there are many unapologetic offenders out there. When my prospective client screen uncovers a pattern of problematic behavior, I suggest they look elsewhere. But by and large these kids are willing to do to work. They genuinely listen to and learn from those whom they have hurt, and as a result emerge from these harrowing experiences as better versions of themselves; much wiser and better prepared to be socially engaged contributors in whatever communities their futures lead them to.
It’s time we examine ourselves. We have walked our kids into the perfect storm of bad outcomes. Unless we, or our kids, have never made a mistake, we have a responsibility to show the same grace and forgiveness to others that we have been shown in the past, or that we hope will be shown in the future if the cancel crowd comes for our kids. (My thoughts on the benefits of forgiveness here.)
In the event your child is cancelled for something offensive they’ve said or done, engage a mental health professional right away to ensure they are safe. Don’t wait. They may be struggling more than you realize.
As a parent, you can help them through the difficult period they are in and begin the reparative process by taking the following steps:
1. Act quickly
If you find yourself wondering if it’s time to take action, you’ve waited too long. News spreads fast, social circles adjust quickly, and friends move on. Once your teen falls out of favor it can be hard to recover, even if the inciting incident is forgotten. Time is of the essence.
2. Don’t be angry with them. Listen.
You don’t need to tell them they messed up. Believe me, they get it. There’s a good chance they feel the world is falling apart around them, and the four walls of your home may be the only place they’ll feel safe for a while. Make sure to keep it that way.
Focus on getting them to share as much as they will about how they are feeling. They may feel surprised that their friends have dismissed them so quickly, or they may share examples of other things that other kids have done to show that they are being treated unfairly. Hearing them out and validating their feelings will help them process the immense stress they are experiencing.
3. Document
These incidents often spiral out of control due to a complete lack of accountability. If you see hateful or threatening posts about your kid, take screenshots and save them. As you reach out to school administrators or others you’d like to speak with about the incident and ensuing bullying, save emails and document conversations. While many institutions have publicly available cyber-bullying policies, some take little action when it actually occurs. You have a right to hold them accountable if they are negligent in enforcing their policies, especially if it impacts the well-being of the kids in their care.
4. Engage adults who have been influencial in their lives
Counsellors, pastors, rabbis, coaches, teachers, mentors, etc. Any worth their salt will rise to the occasion. They will understand the difficult experience your child is going through and will be eager to play a pivotal role in helping them get through it and rebuild towards a positive future.
5. Take a break from social media
If they’ve been cancelled due to an offensive incident, engaging in online chatter about it will make things worse. Other than that, they’ll be scrolling for hateful comments about themselves, which won’t do them any good. Keep them off social media until you have a strategy in place.
6. “Be boring.”
Help them understand that “the camera is always on,” especially after such an incident. Encourage them to model good behavior at all times, and to make sure they don’t let themselves get baited into an argument by those who want to add fuel to the fire.
7. Lay the groundwork for rebuilding
Have a frank discussion with your teen about the impact of their actions. Talk to them about whom they’ve hurt, and do your best to help them understand why. When most kids do or say something offensive, at least in my experience, they are speaking less out of animosity and more out of ignorance. Help them process what it is they have learned and how it has changed them.
We have time. It’s still possible for us to un-learn the negative way we engage with those with disagree with. It’s also possible for us to change the way we react to someone who does something offensive.
As to the young man I mentioned above; he faced his peers and apologized. He engaged with the community he had offended, made several good friends in the process, and decided he would speak very openly - including in his college essays - about what he did and the difficult lessons he learned. He’s currently in his sophmore year at his #1 choice (a top 20 school).
Thankfully, even in the social media age, it is still possible to hold people accountable for the things they say and do without destroying them.
Whether or not we are able to do it will be a testament to how much strength of character remains within us not only as individuals, but as a society.
When people make mistakes, they have a responsibility to make amends, learn, and grow.
It takes work. That’s on them.
How we react?
That’s on us.
Daniel S. Holt is the founder of Washington based Anchorage Partners LLC
If you or someone you know needs advice, contact us via email for a consultation, or click here to schedule a call.